It’s election time in Kenya and in true Kenyan fashion, social media has for the last five months been littered with half-assed intolerant posts about preferred candidates, peace campaigns and of course memes attacking and supporting different candidates.

WordPress, it’s tiring. Especially knowing in my heart of hearts that the damn politicians don’t have our fucking interests at heart and that we are nothing but chess pieces they use to strategize and win.

Bruh we are not fucking humans to them. We don’t deserve anything. The manifestos launched by both parties had half assed paragraphs talking about equality and single moms and healthcare and shit. 

Myself and the rest of Kenyans fucking ran 10 kilometres for an overly hyped marathon organised by the First Lady  to raise money for improving maternal health in Kenya. Maternal health is still the fucking same. Horrible. Pregnant women die like flies and it’s 2017.

This government that wants five more years in office after stealing land belonging to a Primary School in Nairobi, orchestrated the teargassing by police of little kids who were protesting against the grabbing of their school premises. Little fucking minors WordPress! Teargassed half to death.

Speaking of police, you better not look like a suspected anything because here, the police SHOOT TO KILL! Yeah. You read that right ladies and gentlemen of wordpress. It’s like American police and black people. You just can’t survive. And what’s infuriating is that the government hasn’t said a SINGLE word about its citizens getting murdered by an institution of the government. It appears to be none of its business. Let Amnesty International fucking handle it.

And our parliamentarians! Jesus fucking christ! I’ve watched a lot of their sessions in the National Assembly. Half the Assembly is always fucking asleep and the other half debating violently. So tell me people of WordPress, what should an ordinary citizen who pays heavy taxes think of a body that ordinarily should pass good legislation doing absolutely NOTHING regarding their mandate? Do you know what they do? They fucking strip women parliamentarians. They get fucking trophies for intimidation of women leaders to shut them the hell up. Millie Mabona you are my fucking hero. REPRESENT and come through with that Gender representation law those fuckers refused to pass.

To Kenyan members of parliament, bitch we pay you. Better act like it. Better EARN it. We are not playing.

Now, anytime you mouth the word Kenya, you might just as well mouth corruption because they are pretty much the same. Our public coffers have been looted so much the effects are felt daily by the ordinary citizen. There’s food insecurity which reached it’s highest peak when we had to fucking line up for flour and get inked on our pinkies so we don’t take more than two. Fucking hell! 

That was the epitome of shredding us of all our dignity. That, in a fucking agricultural country we had to fucking line up for FLOUR and SUGAR. There was no famine people of WordPress. These were the effects of looting money meant to procure services for citizens.

I’ll tell you where the thieves are WordPress. They’re running for office. They want to be Governors. They want to be Senators. I know. It’s laughable. It’s fucking laughable. They want to control the little money we have at the county level. They want to rob us dry. They want us to crawl and beg for services that we rightfully deserve. These motherfuckers want to fucking END us.

I’ll tell you about education. Schools look like a couple angry Hurricane Fridas ran through them. Children have no shoes to to school. 

Education funding is pretty low. No books. No teachers. Teachers are threatened if they legitimately strike because they’ve also got families they’ve got to feed and school.

Lecturers have been dishing out strikes like it’s breakfast. But even that breakfast is literally non-existent right now. Food insecurity, remember? Girls are being misused in universities by entitled boys because of this strike. Cooking for them and shit when they should be studying. No classes for a typical 19 year old means sex, Netflix and chill. Means a fucking waste of the parents’ money. Means crime. Means indocrination in extremism. Means UNNECESSARY ratcheting on social media. 

The politicians’ kids study in Ivy fucking League schools in fucking London and America or wherever. They get to have QUALITY education from the money mummy or daddy fucking STOLE from poor Kenyans. And God, we see their perfect lives on social media when we feel particularly disgusted and the effect is feeling more disgust. Rolling with the who’s who in fucking Paris, city of lights while telling us to maintain FUCKING peace during elections and would we please re-elect his dad?

Fuck you. Fuck you very much with your fucking privilege. The only way you can help Kenyans is telling your thieving parent to quit politics and come join you on that fucking cruise on the Carribean. No love lost.

Three top government officials have been assassinated at a very crucial point. And all Kenyans can do is come up with different exagerrated conspiracy theories. It’s not that hard. They were fucking murdered. And if you think otherwise you’re a goddamn fool with a brain the size of a simsim seed. These murders are already being investigated by an errant police force so we know the outcome will already be fucking questionable. But that is not my point, my point is, WHAT the fuck can we expect from a government headed by suspects of CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY???! 

Yes people of WordPress. You also read that right. It’s not even a conspiracy theory. It fucking happened. Our president and his deputy were tried at the International Criminal Court on allegations of crimes against humanity. 

Wordpress, witnesses fucking disappeared during that trial. And people still want to be told in black and white that we are housing a bunch of criminals as leaders.

Yes. I get it. Pro government people will say they were just suspects. But I was turned off the MOMENT they were named suspects. Like in what world, except America, are you going to vote for people like that? Are you dumb? Do you not like yourself? Or your country? Or your family? Like I don’t get it. At all.

So Kenyans. Fucking Kenyans. THINK. FUCKING THINK. For once in our goddamn poverty-ridden lives, LETS FUCKING THINK STRAIGHT! I know we have years before the systemic tribalism is completely wiped out amongst us. I know Kikuyus and Luos have been at it since forever. 

I know there’s no third revolution- Luos just want Raila to be President. I know Uhuru has been shitty for the past five years. I know the other candidates have absolutely no chance faced with these two. I know Governors have stolen everything from us. I know MPigs do nothing in the August House. I know we still have IDPs in camps from the post election violence of 2007, I know messages of peace from fucking privileged celebrities annoy the fuck out of y’all. I know they don’t care about us. I know on social media we only post hateful shit for the likes and not because we want a TRUE revolution. I know elections are two days away. I know we have Kikuyu friends. I know we have Luo friends. I know we have Kalenjin friends. I know we have Luhya friends. I know we have Kamba friends. 

So LISTEN. Don’t you fucking DARE kill a poor Kenyan like you because they didn’t vote for Raila.

Don’t you fucking DARE kill a poor Kenyan like you because they didn’t vote for Uhuru.

I have stated my case about the fucking unfortunate state our country has been in for the past five years. I need you as a logical Kenyan to CHOOSE the best alternative. I also need you as a logical Kenyan to share this post. It’s the only time I’ll ever ask you guys to share. 

I need you to remember the children.

I need you to remember the women.

I need you to remember refugees.

I need you to remember your family.

I need you to remember yourself.

I ALSO need you to have FUN while voting. Bitch we’ve earned it. Take a selfie. Post it. Be happy. You participated in the making of History, and for that, you will ALWAYS belong.



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