Come Collect Your Mans.

Look, no, just look. Hear me out.

How the fuck do girls date men who have constantly demonstrated to you and the rest of the entire fucking world that they disrespect women? 

That they think equality is a myth?

That “feminism will never be achieved in Africa”?

That women belong in the kitchen?

That women are baby making objects?

That women ought to behave in a certain manner?

That women are home managers?

That women should take seats and watch while men handle politics?

HOW?

I really just want to understand.

How the fuck can you kiss that dirty mouth.


How the fuck can you call him “darling” because in my books he certainly ain’t a darling. Or a babe. Or a honey. Or a fucking whatever. 

How the fuck can you lie on a goddamn bed or floor or kitchen counter and let him have his way with you?

How the fuck do you not gag and throw up when you see his online comments about women?

When, he posts shit online about how he understands feminism more than the “hypocritical gang of feminists” that make rounds on social media like vultures, how the fuck can you NOT dump his stupid ass right there and then?

You oughta tell him

When he says, as they always do, that he’s read ALL the books on Feminism and proceeds to mansplain to other women how the fuck we should be feminists, how can you NOT shoot him that “boy bye” text?

I legit want my mind to get around this.

Like is that it for you? Okay. Perhaps those who don’t understand the complicated logistics of feminism might say I’m being too hard on y’all women and forcing my ideology down y’all’s clearly unthirsty throats.

I done been called radical because of this shit after all.  

Let me try and be more liberal/simple/politically correct in my attempt to understand this idiocy of magnanimous proportions.

Let’s completely remove ourselves from the online scenarios and apparate right in the middle of your kitchen. Let’s personalize this shit.

You’re there in the kitchen with him. Your man. You’re from work. He’s from work. Y’all asses are tired as hell after dealing with your extremely rude Indian boss who provides horrible working conditions for you and sexually harrasses you and you have half a mind to sue his brown ass.

Your man on the other hand has had the longest day dealing with equally rude customers who end up calling the boss on him because he lost his patience and told the customer to either shut the fuck up and be served or fuck off to another bank.

So you’re both now in the kitchen.

He tells you to whip up something for him.

You say you’re tired could he help so you finish quick and go rest? 

He says no, why is he going to pay dowry if you are going to ask his help to cook?

Yeah. Good point.


You cook.

Another time your ass is all made up-lipstick, mascara and all. Your weave is rad and you are about to leave for work and this stupid nigga tells you to not put on too much make up or wear horse hair.

I’d personalize more but my mood is turning dark just thinking about shitty men.

You know what, fuck my dark mood. I know y’all women need more personalization so you can say “Ahh that is sooo me”

So settle in bitches.

I’ve had four fucking long years at a Kenyan university, and I’ll just say it, women and dating is a euphemism for gross stupidity.

Girls barely 19 in campus want to cater for boys. Cook for them. Clean their fucking clothes. Offer mind blowing sex. Pay their rent. 

WordPress, I write about this shit because I done SEEN this shit.

I have a friend who’s the firstborn in her family so she’s obviously the first person to go to university among her siblings. It is also the first time her parents are experiencing taking a kid to university.

For the first year, they pay fees in cash. No, scratch that. They give their daughter cash to go pay school fees because they trust her so much.
The girl, and I kid you not ladies and gentlemen on WordPress, fucking uses her fucking school fees to impress a young nigga on campus.

Talking about let me cook you some mean pilau over at my bedsitter tonight.

Bruh, you think he gon refuse an offer for free food? 

Talking about, let me pay your rent cause I know this month you’re hard up-and no, you really don’t have to pay me back. 

Bruh, I’m sorry but you’re dumb as fuck. This nigga done used all his money to fucking gamble it all away on fucking sportpesa because he KNOWS your little stupid ass gonna come through like ALWAYS!

Let’s talk about sex. So yeah, you’re “dating” You want to spice things up cause your problematic self-esteem is terrified he gon leave you for a chic who can do the 69 while squatting. You chasin a nigga like he’s money.


You have so much sex at his request you turn into a fucking gymnast.

You then go around campus asking your equally terrified to be left friends about home made techniques of tightening your pussy cause your sexcapades done made it very loose and he’s definitely not going to be into that.

Biihhh your dumbness is making me BIG mad. 

HOW the fuck can you stay with a nigga who thinks loose pussy is not sweet pussy?

HOW the fuck can you date a nigga who allows you to pay his fucking rent after HIS own irresponsible actions catch up with him?
HOW the fuck can you use your little pocket money sent by your struggling parents to FEED a young nigga in school?

HOW the fuck can you buy Omo and soap THEN  bend your tired back to wash your CLASSMATE’S clothes while he watches fucking Despicable Me while touching his little penis just because you think y’all are dating?

HOW the fuck can you spread your legs from the east to the fucking west nearly breaking your tendons so your classmate that does not even understand the basic concepts in class gets to fuck you?
HOW the fuck can you and your man sit in an exam room together and pass little notes asking what concept Question 1 is testing? Is it attractive that your man is dumb as fuck for choosing to watch Rugrats and not study?

HOW the fuck can you take a cheater back? 

And his cheating ass out here  talking about Beyonce done took Jay-Z back so why shouldn’t you. 

Bitch Jay-Z is a fucking billionaire, I’d take his lying ass back too. What is your broke ass bringing to the table except herpes? 

Girls on WordPress, my point is, these men ain’t shit. Study motherfucker. And especially for us Kenyan ladies.

We ALL know we ain’t gonna go to no Art school in fucking Los Angeles even if we have rad talent.

We ALL know we ain’t gonna go to no fucking Juilliard to get the best vocal training because we can sing so fucking well.

We ALL know we ain’t got privilege like that. 

It’s mostly education that’s gon save us. Ain’t no man bih. Ain’t no man.

So y’all don’t play with your education like that. Don’t fucking joke with it. That’s your fucking ticket outta Male Entitlement Boulevard bih. 

And don’t be out here pressing on in a fucking abusive relationship! Fly the fuck away. Revolutionize bih. Tell him he ain’t shit to his fucking face. Tell him boy bye.

THEN-

FLY. 

THE. 

FUCK. 

AWAY.

Advertisements

7 thoughts on “Come Collect Your Mans.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s